OK, I admit it. No one held a gun to my head.

And I almost didn’t watch the Academy Awards…but there I was drawn to it like a train wreck.

And of course the constant banter about how so and so looked and what so and so was wearing didn’t surprise me.  After all, it was the Academy Awards…and the fact that they actually looked at one of the female actors and commented on how “great she looked considering she had just had a baby”…didn’t surprise me.

But it still nauseated me.

This actress who is a person full of talent and full of mommy-hood had to be reduced to comments about her waistline.  And heaven forbid if she had been even rounder…the comments would have no doubt been snide and derisive and filled with suggestions about what she should have worn to cover up the baby fat.

Still, I went into the belly of the beast without force or coercion, and I have to take responsibility for putting myself in the line of fire.

What really hurts is when you are in neutral territory and get struck by friendly fire.  The other day I “bumped into” someone on the street who I haven’t seen in years.  We chatted a bit and I asked about a mutual friend, “How is Julie?” The response, “She looks great.”

Now unless Julie had been diagnosed with metastatic cancer last time I saw her, how she looks is not really saying anything about how Julie IS.

Why is it that when you ask how someone is you are told how someone looks?

No wonder people suffering from Eating Disorders and Body Dissatisfaction have difficulty separating WHO they are from HOW they look.  All too often our appearance is the defining factor of how and who we are.  It is insidious and fragmenting.  Clinicians and clients have their work cut out for them because the task of integrating our selves, our bodies, and our appearance is extraordinarily challenging. It is rare that we get much help from the “outside” as it is socially acceptable to define people primarily by their looks; assigning positive attributes to people if they are the “right” size and shape.

As challenging as it is however, it is important for people to remember that they are more than a thigh, or a tummy, or an upper arm.

And while people’s issues with food and how they may use it for emotional reasons may contribute to fluctuations in weight, it is never the total portrait of  how a person is.

So next time someone asks you how someone is, please, really listen to the question.  Consider the whole person, and if you don’t know the answer, then THAT is your answer.

Tomorrow, March 1st, Golda Peretsky wraps up her wonderful series of Body Revolutionary Tele-Conferences.

Sign up by clicking on Golda’s name!

Linda Bacon, Author of Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight will be interviewed by Golda at 4:00 p.m. PST.  You really do not want to miss this opportunity!

I admit it, I’m compulsive and obsessive.  I do not have a full fledged diagnosis of O.C.D. but after years of therapy I have come to accept my O.C.D. tendency as Monk, the TV Detective would say, a “blessing and a curse.”

After more than two decades of working in clinical programs, inpatient and outpatient, I experienced firsthand the wide range of ways that obsessive, compulsive, and addictive behaviors present themselves.  Clients worked exhaustively on one “addiction” or “compulsion” only to find that it was handily replaced by a new one.  Patients who were able to let go of their food obsession discovered that they were still being driven by their obsession with being thin; or pleasing someone.

This is an important turning point in treatment, because some obsessions, compulsions, and addictions can be dangerous and self-destructive, while others can be channeled positively and result in a quieter mind.  When patients were asked about these more positive avenues of obsession or compulsion, something amazing happened.  The words the patients used to describe the behaviors changed.  In most cases more positive words like focus, intention, discipline, and drive emerged.

Clinicians that employ a cognitive behavioral approach with clients with eating disorders rely on the part of that person’s personality that is more disciplined or focused or compulsive.  Serial Dieters, have an extensive history of starting new diets with a blinding

determination for whatever the new regime is, and they dot every i and cross every t (both letters which, are in the word diet) as they chart their intake and their calories, and their points and their exercise; fervently maintaining food journals an act that requires an enormous amount of discipline and…well… passion.

Passion… I didn’t choose the word passion haphazardly as a synonym for obsession or compulsion.  In fact I obsessively searched for the correct word for weeks. Roget couldn’t hold a candle to the amount of synonyms I auditioned to replace the words obsession, addiction, and compulsion in my new personal dictionary.

My historical and sometimes hysterical track record in the quest to be “skinny great” always began with me passionately recording every nuance, morsel, and thought before during and after eating.  I rated how hungry I was before I ate and after I ate. The first time I saw myself rendered as a pie chart was stunning. There I was in wedges and colors and peaks and valleys, illustrating my

successful six months of dieting and weight loss. What I realized though, was that I was still obsessed about food, and weight and becoming thin enough to be accepted.  I was not free from my prison of disordered eating and self-loathing, I was just decorating it with documentation.  Unfortunately in most cases, passion eventually sizzles down and with the cooling off you don’t write down one snack, and then you miss a day at the gym. Then you can’t make up for not having written it down, so you figure you’ll start again on the first of the next month, because now the chart is ruined and the weight returns and the feelings of failure seep back in.

It is messy.  But the last time I went through this cycle, I did something different.  I sifted through the ashes of the passion and looked for what remained of me.  I made a conscious effort NOT to throw the “baby out with the bath water” (ew…that expression is totally gross when you think about it) and what I found were the parts of me that were constant in each attempt.  When I tossed out the end result goal of “skinny great” and looked at who I was I found a person that was passionate, had capacity for insight, persevered, and was willing to learn from my mistakes.  When I took diet out of my vocabulary the word failure miraculously disappeared also!  And my world opened up allowing me to explore other things rather than the latest diet this or diet that.

Now if I can only figure out a way to let go of some of the 29 Linked In Groups I’ve joined!

What can I say?  It’s a blessing and a curse!

Prevention Guidelines & Strategies for Everyone:  50 Ways to Lose the 3 Ds:
Dieting, Drive for Thinness, and Body Dissatisfaction

By:  Paula Levine, Ph.D.

http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/uploads/file/information-resources/50-Ways-to-Lose-the-3Ds.pdf

This is a must read for all of us working with or raising children.

This article http://www.eatingdisordersonline.com/news/eating-  disorders/hospitalization-caused-by-eating-disorders-in-young-children-on-the-rise#comment-1762 is about how eating disorder related hospitalizations of children under twelve are on the rise.  ”The results of the anti-obesity drive over the last few years   focusing on eating habits and losing weight – may have unintentionally contributed towards an increase in eating disorders.” Said Dr. David S. Rosen.

I agree.  It is a point of view to consider that perhaps the anti-obesity movement has backfired and kids are receiving mixed messages.  The constant pressure on youth to be as thin as possible is accepted and allowed until the kid hits that point where they cross a line and then are reprimanded for having gone over board into the land of anorexia. On the flip side the anti-obesity boogie man is hovering and this puts kids in a bind.  It is a difficult double standard

for kids to grapple with. “I’m supposed to be thin, but not too thin.”   “I’m supposed to exercise but not too much.”  ”When I fail at diets and gain weight, people are happy until I get pudgy then they worry that I’m going to be fat.”

The yo yo dieting that results is dangerous emotionally and physically. Until we remove the pressure on kids to look a certain way in order to be attractive and successful, then we can’t expect them to understand when they are doing it right or doing it wrong. And by then, they are already in the hospital.

It is National Eating Disorders Week…Please Pay Attention and focus on health not weight, it’s better for the children!

National Eating Disorders Awareness Week starts next week!  For Therapists looking for ideas for NEDA Week:  Here is one rather simple expressive arts therapy directive that I used with adolescent and adult patients dealing with body image and disordered eating. (And it is not in the Leftovers DVD/Workbook Set).

Bring in a jar of buttons and zippers. These can frequently be purchased inexpensively at Good Will type stores or if you establish a working relationship with a neighborhood cleaners or fabric store they will often donate them.

Have the client take a large piece of paper.  Provide a variety of markers, magazines, glue and tape, and put the buttons and zippers out in front of them. Have each person choose at least one item (but they may choose more if they want) and incorporate the buttons and zippers into a drawing or collage.  When they are finished, have the client give the finished piece a title.  Depending on the size of the group and how much time is available, have each person share the art piece with the rest of the group.  Some folks may only want to share the title; others will want to talk about the piece more extensively. Of course each therapist has to set their own parameters about time limits and rules. (We do give guide lines for group structure in the Leftovers Workbook).

If your group is an expressive arts group, and you use multi-modalities, use a writing therapy exercise to develop the narrative about the picture.  Then take the  person’s narrative about the piece and role play the story.

Using buttons and zippers with this population is effective because most people struggling with Eating Disorders, Body Dysmorphia, and or Body Dissatisfaction have at one point in their lives used the ability to (or not to) zip or button an article of clothing as a barometer for their success or failure in weight loss.  Dieters often talk about zipping their mouths closed or

buttoning their lip. Some people have gotten their jaws wired shut in attempts to lose weight.  The use of buttons and zippers to open and close things also has meaning as it relates to a person’s sense of self control and efficacy in the world.   What do they choose to let in? What do they want to keep out? When we talk about loosening our collar button, it usually means relaxing from formal constriction to casual and approachable.

Whether it is on a metaphorical or literal level, I’ve found clients’ response to this directive to be enthusiastic and resulting in beneficial social interactions with other group members and insights into their own behavior.  It is a playful non threatening directive that unzips the unconscious and allows the patient to expand their awareness.

Last night was teleconference number four hosted by Golda Peretsky http://www.bodyloverevolution.com/.  Every Tuesday night from 5-6 PST Golda has a guest on that she introduces as,”a revolutionary,” when it comes to size acceptance and changing the way society views fat men and women, (Although there will be a conference on Thursday, Feb. 17).

Last night’s revolutionary, Kimmoy Matthews, aka  The Curvy Coach, is a fabulous business coach who specializes in the Plus Size Niche. Her web site is filled with wonderful links and resources and once again Golda introduced her listeners to a person who is working hard to break down barriers and stigma associated with fat people.  Her enthusiasm and experience was palpable even over the phone and I’m sure her clients are fortunate to have her working on their side!

The conversation included Kimmoy’s insights on several sides of the employment spectrum, entrepreneurs, employees and job seekers.  Ms. Matthews articulately fielded difficult questions about job hunting given the current unemployment rate and was generous with tips on how to stand out and be noticed by our accomplishments and what we can bring to a company other than our girth.

The interview led us down an enticing path that touched on many topics that could have easily merited an entire hour of their own and I’m certain I’m not the only one that believes it’s a good thing that the phone participants are all muted until the Q&A session!  If the amount of times I blurted something out during the interview was any barometer, I’m sure there would have been hundreds of excited and engaged listeners jumping in with questions and comments throughout the hour!

At one point, the conversation meandered down a rather controversial path about size discrimination in the workplace; a complex subject fraught with a strong emotional charge for many people. I applaud Golda and The Curvy Coach for being able to articulate their opinions so concisely considering the extemporaneous nature of the conversation and the lack of notes or stats on hand for illustration. 

Kimmoy clearly pointed out that if someone is the victim of overt, size discrimination in the workplace that they need to report it to the appropriate person and go through the channels to intervene.  But with the absence of tangible evidence, she made a strong argument for a “Tough Love” approach which was to take responsibility for how we may be projecting our insecurities about being fat onto others and that the discrimination is coming from inside ourselves.

In other words, if a fat person is feeling insecure about her body, this may seep into the way she carries herself and how she interacts in an office environment. Some examples mentioned were, not going out for lunch to network with other employees but eating at her desk, or not having enough confidence to approach the boss proactively to have her ideas heard or negotiate raises.  The lack of inclusion or promotion that may result, is  feeling discriminated against because of size.  (Kimmoy was spot on when pointing out how much of this was not just a fat woman’s issue but a woman’s issue.)  Ms Matthews suggested that an effective tool to combat this “syndrome” is to brand ourselves based on  our strengths and skills.  That brand will be the persona seen and acknowledged in the work place and replace the one dimensional perception that we are fat.

Here’s where the path we were walking down transitioned into challenging terrain. 

Size discrimination is a tangible thing and I agree with Kimmoy that there are steps we can all take to feel better about ourselves at the size we are in any moment of our lives.  That of course is the basis of the DVD Leftovers, The Ups and Downs of a Compulsive Eater.  But the cyclical nature of the circumstance is difficult to break.

A person gets bullied for being fat, they carry themselves differently, they do not exude confidence, they don’t progress in the company, they assume it’s because they are fat, this makes them feel badly about being fat…and the green grass grows all around all around and the  green grass…well you

get the point.

Perhaps I am a bit less trusting than Kimmoy in the nature of some people to really drop their biases against fat people.  Concurrently, I agree that something that happened in one place may not actually be happening in a new environment and we need to start fresh.  But it is difficult to let past events stay in the past without working on healing the past therapeutically and or intentionally.  True, there are fat women and men that break the glass ceiling and perhaps do not attract negative remarks or actions about their bodies…but in many cases, at least the ones publicized in the media or talked about in workshops and sessions, more often than not the accompanying thought or consideration is, “Wow, they  made it to the top even though they’re fat.”

Until we stop using size as a definer of whom a person is many of us are still subject to size discrimination whether it be intrinsically or extrinsically generated.  And while it is true as Kimmoy pointed out that in the marketing world, not all plus sized people are the same and buy different products and have different consumer habits, one commonality is that most of us, at some point, walked on the path where we were mistreated for our body size or shape.  A path that should be closed for repairs. 

Thanks Golda and Kimmoy for such a thought provoking and generous teleconference!

I found out I was fat in fourth grade when my neighbor’s uncle told me I had legs like a man. That was also the year everyone was wearing leotard sets-tight fitting shorts, pants and tops that came in horizontal stripes or solids. They were comfortable and good for climbing trees, playing kickball and riding bikes. Just the previous year those were my favorite things to do. I’d throw on my clothes, not giving a thought to how I looked, and went off to play.

Fourth grade shouldn’t have been any different except we moved to a new neighborhood and around the corner were two girls the same ages as my sister and me.  Heidi and Jan.  They wore leotard sets too. But they always had the horizontal striped sets while my mom always bought me the solids. I didn’t know why at the time, but in retrospect it was because the stripes would make me look wider, fatter….ooooh….such transgression could not stand!

Heidi and Jan were skinny. I was not. I started to feel that I was ALL wrong and they were clearly ALL right.  They were really sweet girls. They tried to soothe me and tell me it was just baby fat and I’d grow out of it.  But the clincher was they ate massive amounts of Downyflake ™ frozen French toast dripping with butter and syrup.

They ate double Carvel ™ ice cream cones dipped in chocolate.  They had junk food in their house with no limits on when or how much they could or should eat.  It was a virtual gold mine of Yodels ™ and Ring Dings ™ and Dunkin Donuts ™.

And they did eat.

And eat and eat

And eat.  And they were still skinny.

Although I was only nine years old, and had not yet studied genetics I was getting my first lesson that I was a loser in

the gene game.

It was also the beginning of decades of obsession with comparing  my body to every other female I would see.  My compulsive eating behaviors didn’t begin until much later.

In fourth grade I ate less than Heidi and Jan and exercised as much as they did and was still carting around my “baby fat.”  By seventh grade I was sneak eating because I was hungry and then threw my “ante” into the Dieting Game pot, a game I could never win.

Over the years I have done an enormous amount of work on my disordered eating and body dissatisfaction.  I have identified the emotional reasons for using food, I have given myself permission to enjoy food, and I have taken on a more mindful approach and less unconscious approach to eating.   And as the years passed although I was making progress with the FOOD addiction I realized that the other addiction was still winning the game. The THIN addiction.

Despite looking at other big beautiful women as gorgeous and sexy the standard I held for myself seemed to be different.  It would be years before I could find peace with and come to accept and love my body type.  It took hard work to opt out of the self destructive dieting game and arrive at the place where I didn’t look at my legs and see

tree trunks or man’s legs.

When I look at pictures of me in 3^rd and 4^th grades, I see an athletic girl, not fat by any standards.  Short? Yes.  Solid? Yes.  Skinny? No. 

Self-loathing?  You betcha.  I believe that had I been given more positive messages about my body early on by my family, or television, or magazines, I would have been spared years of suffering.

It’s too bad I can’t call  a “DO OVER!”

Hopefully the work that we are doing with people using Leftovers, DVD/Workbook will convince some people to “fold” and get out of the cyclical game of dieting and start from a place of self acceptance and health.  It’s NOT too late to call a DO OVER!  And if those Danskin™ leotard sets ever come back into style…buy the stripes if you want to! Last time I checked, there is no law against it!!  They were much cooler looking anyway!

 

When I was growing up in Far Rockaway, New York, I lived next door to Candy and Karen Rosino.  They were so exotic and everything that my family was not.  I’m not talking about socio-economic status; we all lived in the same “financial” bracket from what I could tell as a seven year old.  But while we were Romanian Jews, they were Irish Catholics. I loved playing with them. We lived on the street playing kickball, and stick ball, and flipping baseball cards, etc.

But one of the things I remember most about Candy, is she referred to her butt as her can.  I had NEVER heard that before. It was years before I didn’t think it had to do with the first three letters of her name.  Candy’s Can.

You know how kids do that…if they don’t know what they are hearing they make up reasons to explain it…for example when I was five-ish, I used to listen to the radio and when I heard the announcer say,”We will now pause for station identification.”  I always thought he must have meant vacation and that the radio station packed up went on vacation and then came back in time for the next segment.  Newark Airport to me, for years, was always someone saying New York very quickly.  What do you expect, I was five.  (Years later someone would publish that great book about commonly misunderstood lyrics like Springsteen’s famous “Wrapped up like a douche” or Creedence’s “There is a bathroom on the right.” OR Silent Night’s, “Round young virgin.” ( Candy, I’m sure knew the real words to that). I was 8, when we moved. It was the last time I saw Candy.  I was crushed.

But when I figured out that can meant tush, or tuchus, or butt, or ass (if no grown-ups were around) It was yet another example of how exotic my best friend was.

Candy had a small can, I was born with a large can.  Pepsi just unveiled their skinny can, last week, for Fashion Week.

Every year fashion week brings its share of articles about the dangers of anorexia and the attempts to address the tragic side effects of eating disorders among runway models, yet every year the models get taller and skinnier, at least from  the photographs accompanying the Fashion Week articles.

So when Pepsi, a sponsor of Fashion Week, decided to prance its  skinny can down the new product runway, I’m sure the company expected applause and immediate approval. After all was there a single short fat model on the runway?

Instead of hearing YES you CAN, however, Pepsi heard, ” OH NO YOU CAN(T)!  Fabulous punny headlines abounded:  Pepsi Fizzles Out, NEDA wrote, Christine Wans wrote,  “The new sleek Diet Pepsi “Skinny Can” has officially strutted it stuff at Fashion Week in New York City.” 

Sarah Skidmore explained the reasoning behind the protest succinctly in the Huffington Post, First she quotes the Pepsi spokesperson, “The can is a “taller, sassier” version of the traditional can that the company says was made in “celebration of beautiful, confident women.”  Skidmore then adds,”Some say Pepsi’s approach only reinforces dangerous stereotypes about women and body image.”  Really?  You Think??  Skinny once again is being equated with beautiful and confident.  I am all for diversity…in packaging…in bodies…in opinions…and if Pepsi wants to have a variety of shapes and sizes of cans on the shelf…fine with me!!!  After all the Pepsi Can we all grew up with was short and rounder than the new skinny can.  Kind of looks like ME!  But somehow, the product wasn’t packaged with  the message, “if you are a short, stout woman you are beautiful and confident and sassy!”

So in my book, (not the one I co-authored….my metaphoric book) it feels as if we have made some progress on the Eating Disorders Awareness and Size Acceptance fronts.  The one step forward two steps back feeling though was hovering. Almost every on-line article that I read about the opposition to Pepsi’s Skinny Can meta-messages was flanked by ads about how to lose your belly fat or Jennifer Anisten’s newest diet.  I’d like to tell the advertisers to shove those ads up their cans!!!

And I look forward to the day where Fashion Shows are really about the clothing and the fun of fabrics and looks and dressing in a way that feels good.  Perhaps one day we Can have at least Two Cans (and I’m not talking about the birds!)

Tuesday nights are teleconference nights for Golda Peretsky’s series Body Love Revolutions. This past Tuesday her guest was Marilyn Wann, author of Fat! So?,creator of the Yay Scale,

and fat activist for over two decades.   For those who already knew of  Marilyn and her work, through her Zine and book it was a delightful opportunity to hear her “voice” her voice.  Marilyn has that rare combination of being articulate even in the most extemporaneous of circumstances.  She expresses her anger at size discrimination and her belief of size diversity for people of all sizes honestly, forcefully but with humor and patient tolerance.

A caller talked about the situation that many of us know all too well.

The one where we let people know that we are “conscientious objectors” to the relentless patter of diet talk this, and I hate my body that, and when I lose weight then….

Marilyn Wann, Golda and the caller talked about ways to hold one’s line and maintain boundaries with people that don’t take you seriously when you say, ” I refuse to discuss this.”

But the idea of non violent guerrilla warfare tactics to spread the notion of size acceptance was one that I wished we could have devoted the entire teleconference to. (And I open the subject up to my blog readers to share their strategies of how they set the limits with their families and loved ones. ) These teleconferences have been wonderful to “attend.” The recent events in Egypt illustrate the power of people uniting, non-violently but with forceful solidarity for the purpose of making change and promoting freedom and human rights.  The idea that fat people are still targets of derision, disdain and discrimination (the three D’s) seems antiquated to me.  Why are we still doing this? Few people are saying they are concerned about a fat person’s health, they are saying they are angry at the greediness and gluttony that fat people represent. They are angry at the notion that fat people cost the society more money for medical care. They are dismissive by repeatedly saying that fat people could be different if they weren’t so weak and would just eat less.  I always welcome debate on these issues, but what I don’t welcome is the judgment and vitriolic attitudes that are directed towards another human being.

Marilyn and Golda provided an opportunity for people to ask questions about some of these concerns in a safe and supportive but NOT defensive milieu.  My wish is that people that are not already a part of the “movement” will join us to listen to these teleconferences.  Perhaps they will expand their awareness that as Marilyn Wann’s says, “I hold on to HAES(sm) principles *especially* tenaciously when I imagine very thin or very fat people. I imagine that people at so-called extreme ends of the weight spectrum have certainly heard all of the usual weight-based admonishments and have certainly experienced more than enough pressure to change their bodies.  So, especially for people who are very fat — the people whose example is used…cruelly…to inspire fat-fear in everyone else — and who have doubtless gone around the mulberry bush of weight-loss goals any number of times…for such people I imagine that a weight-neutral, approach might be extra life-saving and beneficial.  In my view, the people who get used as fat bogeyman examples in arguments opposing a HAES (sm) approach should instead be examples of the profound damage of weight-based health judgments, weight-loss goals and the intense social isolation that accompanies fat hate.”

I agree completely with Marilyn’s stance and I applaud Golda for providing spokespeople like Marilyn for an opportunity to share their knowledge with us.

The next Free Teleconference is this Tuesday, sign up at: http://www.bodyloverevolution.com

I am not getting anything in return for promoting Golda’s teleconferences, they are really Just That Great!