My niece is getting married.  She is the bride.  Her dress is important. Mine?  Not so much.  And yet I find myself in my own personal episode of, “What Not to Wear!”  There is an aura of importance surrounding my attire for this wedding.  After all, I am the one in the family that is strident about self-acceptance.  I am the one that writes a blog about redefining beauty and challenging societal standards of perfection.  I am the member of the family who is the co-author of a book about size acceptance and women calling a truce in their battles against their bodies.

My niece is getting married. She is the bride.  I will be scrutinized. This is not narcissistic, grandiose, or ego maniacal. This is fact.

The last time I had to dress up for an important family event was six years ago for my son’s bar mitzvah.  (My blog post, The Other Woman, discusses that in all of my “Jewish Mother’s Glory.”

When I was shopping for that dress, I was a “nouveau riche” size 4.  I had never been that thin…and of course I was “just visiting.”  I was so inexperienced in shopping as a thin person, that I accepted Sax Fifth Avenue’s offer of assistance from a Personal Shopper.

“I’m sorry I’m such a challenge.  It’s my butt and these thighs; they must make your job so much more difficult.” 

Did I mention I was a size 4?  And there I was apologizing to my personal shopper for not being a size 2.

Today, six years later, the “mother of the bar mitzvah boy suit” that I purchased won’t get past my shoulders.  And I no longer have a personal shopper.  Flying solo, I dared to go where all too many women before me have dared to go…into the belly of the beast…charge card in hand.

But I was not shopping completely alone.

I entered the store with the belief that I deserved to find a dress that made me feel good.  I shopped with a self-confidence that hugged my shoulders with an attitude of, “I can look just fine…beautiful even…at this size.”  Most importantly, I was accompanied by my newest companion, ME.

I was NOT shopping with the eyes and opinions of my family or the media.  I was clad in the bullet proof vest of MY eyes and MY opinion.   I was draped in a comforting serape of conviction that how I looked and what I chose to wear was the only opinion that held any weight!!

I began looking around the store.  I focused on fabrics and colors that I found pleasing. Then I included the elements of comfort and a dash of pizzazz.  I was almost enjoying myself!  I wasn’t obsessing over what size I was or whether my arms, thighs or butt would be offensive to someone.  In a way, that opened up a wider range of possibilities.

A sales woman approached and I waited for my usual wave of apologetic embarrassment to wash over me.  It didn’t!

“That’s a gorgeous dress,” I said pointing towards the rack of Elie Tahari designs.  “Expensive but beautiful!”

“This dress is a classic. You’ll be able to wear it forever!”

I smiled when I thought of the size 4 bar mitzvah suit gathering dust in my closet. The personal shopper had told me the same thing and I hadn’t been convinced.  After all, a part of me knew I was “just visiting” the land of size 4.

But this time I had a feeling she was absolutely correct!  After years of working personally and professionally on size acceptance, my years of yoyo dieting and shape shifting had finally come to an end!

“What size are you,” she asked flipping through the hangers?

I smiled, and said, “I’m a perfect size ME!” 

 

You know it when you see it.  It’s subtle but intense.  It is that look of terror in the eyes of girls all over the country right about now.  Not all girls; mostly middle to upper middle class girls.  And not girls who go to schools with required uniforms.

Heck, maybe this just affects all of the middle to upper middle class girls in the New York Metropolitan area who live in homes that still get The N. Y. Times delivered who don’t go to schools that require uniforms.

In fact, I may only be talking about one girl but it’s my blog so I’m going to write about her anyway.

For as long as I can remember, each year, on a Sunday, in the late summer, like swallows to Capistrano,  The N.Y. Times arrived on my doorstep with the special Style insert peeking out from in between the other sections.   This special magazine contained the mandate…our marching orders if you will, for our back to school clothing. Tweeds, knits, woolens all beckoning with that come hither promise of a new year filled with possibilities of popularity and happiness…guaranteed for anyone who showed up on the first day looking like one of the girls in the photos.  Which was only possible if you were a size 8 or under. 

Each year the ritual of thumbing through the magazine began, and with each flip of a page, self-hatred and despair billowed inside me.  I knew that it would be only a matter of days before I would be shopping for my new set of school clothes.  And because there were no contradictory messages available to soothe my plummeting self-esteem, I marched with my mom to the tune of my own internal dirge to the department stores.  We were on a quest to find something, anything that would fit and bear some semblance to whatever the girls were wearing in The Times Back to School Issue.  There were never any girls in that magazine that looked like me. Yet, I and girls like me, believed that buying owning and wearing those clothes would catapult us into a year filled with happiness and fitting in.  But here, alas, was the problem.

Fitting in.  As I tried on outfit after outfit; my hope dwindled with each battle lost against a non-compliant zipper.  It was devastating to be a size 12-14 in a size 8 world.  Occasionally I would find an outfit I thought looked good on me AND was in style. I brought it home, ceremoniously hung it in my closet, and awaited the First Day of School.

Finally the day arrived. I woke up hours before I needed to, and adorned myself in my Fall Plumage; bursting inside with the anticipation of fitting in on the First Day of School.  Unfortunately, it was inevitable in “New Yawk” that the  temperature would still be in the 90’s. By the time I finished walking to school, clad in my woolen array of Autumnal Splendor, I was already wilted and droopy.  I lamented the unfortunate transformation…I was now a far cry from the crisp, perky girl trotting off to school an hour earlier, and so with a little less bounce in my step,  I entered the building.

It was a Project Runway episode long before any reality shows existed.   Brand names and labels paraded down the halls in shoes not yet scuffed. You could smell the intoxicating aroma of new leather pocketbooks and matching belts.  The outfit that I had once felt so proud of was now a laughable shroud.  By second period I was sweating to death, fighting desperately to maintain my poise.  I know I wasn’t the only one that felt victimized by the tenet that our appearance categorized us as chic, hip, beautiful, cool…and the grand prize…envied.  But no one said anything.  It was the accepted, unquestioned and unchallenged paradigm of the K-12 world. I hated it AND bought into it with every “wrong” curve of my body.

It was only the first day of the new school year and already I was getting failing marks. No extra credit assignment would ever earn me a passing grade.  I already had an F on my report card. I was Fat. 

I am not a proponent of the, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” theory of life.  Nor am I one to look back on my life with regrets or wallow in the “should haves.” I do acknowledge, however, that those years shaped my personality in many ways, one of the most obvious being my eventual career as a therapist working in the fields of body image and eating disorders.  But as I sit here in Oakland, California thumbing through this year’s Back To School Style Section of The New York Times, I  am contemplating what I would have done differently if I knew then what I know now.

• I would have led a “rebellion” against the unquestioned one size fits all mandate.
• I would have gone to a P.T.A. meeting and showed them other ways to acknowledge their children/students using measures of health and success emphasizing initiative, accomplishments, and individual talents and strengths.
• I would have organized a letter writing campaign to The New York Times Style Magazine asking them to portray size diversity in their models.
• I would have launched an anti-bullying campaign at the school and fought against the humiliating weigh-ins if front of the entire student body.
• I would have written a book about ways to improve body image and self-acceptance.  Oh wait, I did do that!

That’s just a start.  There are many organizations that are taking on these issues today.  I urge you to get involved with one or more of them  About Face, ASDAH, Normal In the Schools, Body Positive, and The Body Positive.  Links and information about these and other organizations can be found on our website at Leftoverstogo.com

It’s a new school year and you can get straight A’s for being:

An Activist Accepting, And Adoring All Anatomical Appearances!

 

Recently I wrote about Ed Koch’s book that leaves the bullies unpunished and focuses on the fat kid having to change in order to avoid the bullying.  Now there is a book coming out in October that is a diet book for six year olds. I was about to write my blog on this, when I received the link to Ragen Chastain’s blog about the same book!  So, less stress on my carpal tunnel and a chance to share Ragen’s website with some folks who may not have been over there!

http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/08/19/diet-book-for-6-year-olds-seriously/

I also want to share Sandy Andreson’s shout out to NAAFA’s website where they have incredible resources for kids by Joanne Ikeda, Karin Jasper, and Frances Berg.

I know I know, Janice Joplin didn’t write Bobbie McGee, but she immortalized it to the point that it was practically an anthem when I was in High School. It was such an integral part of the fabric of our culture that my high school Social Studies teacher, Mr. Tannenbaum, wrote the words, “Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose” on the blackboard one day and we spent the entire class debating its meaning.  We pondered over the possible interpretations and debated the practical and theoretical applications for this phrase.  The conversation was so juicy that for one brief moment in Hewlett High School History the Geeks, the Freaks, the Jocks and the Greasers were all participating and I remember it 40 years later.

But the one translation we did NOT come up with was that the infamous lyric had anything to do with being thin.

FREE YOURSELF!  GET THIN!  1800-GET-THIN

These billboards are everywhere now.  And despite some public outcry, seem to be here to stay.  In February, 2024, Michael Hiltzik wrote an article in the L.A. Times reproaching the ad campaign that was spreading like acne in So. Cal.  I remember reading the article because a close relative of mine had lap band surgery and I was reading everything I could on the subject.  Hiltzik was outraged, as am I, that the billboards give the impression that you can drive through on your lunch hour get a lap band and go off into happy thin land…free…free…free at last!

But of course this isn’t true. The procedure takes time, anesthesia, and a recovery period that may last weeks.  And that’s not including the people who got the lap band and did NOT find freedom or thinness at the end of the tunnel!

When Hiltzik wrote the column last year, I had not yet seen the billboards in the Bay Area.  I assumed it was a Hollywood thing that wouldn’t be tolerated here…in Janice’s backyard!  But I was wrong and now they are everywhere.  And the fact that these new billboards are equating freedom with lap band thinness is so offensive to me I don’t even know where to start.  If freedom’s just another word for having to measure food in teaspoons in order not to regurgitate…well…that feels rather restrictive to me.  To assume that everyone who is fat is living a life trapped by their fatness is outrageous, but even if it were true…I’d propose that the bars of imprisonment may be an Allergen product as well!  Although in defense of Allergen, maker of the lap band, they too have decried the bill board ad campaign. Stuart Pfeifer’s L.A. Times article last February explains that the billboards lead to a referral source of lap band providers and is not an ad for Allergen.  Still, with the weight and age requirements for lap bands getting less stringent I would imagine the demand for them is growing as rapidly as these billboards are popping up and that’s good for “Al’s” business.

In Dr. Deah’s Hollywood, the billboards are deceptive and offensive. They prey on the longing of many fat people to be FREE from the culturally imposed prison sentence where the only “crime” is living in bodies that are targets of discrimination and exclusion. If I were “Queen” I’d banish them from the Queendom! But alas, I am left dreaming and humming, “Freedom’s just another word for no more billboards on the road.”

 

Former Mayor Ed Koch and his sister Pat have just had a children’s book published. And I almost want to buy it and read it.  Almost but not quite.  The book, Eddie Shapes Up, was discussed in the New York Times by Sam Roberts, who describes the book as, “a more or less autobiographical account of a youngster who faces down dietary demons and body-image problems to emerge healthy and self-accepting.”

So far so good!

Then as I read further Koch is quoted,

“I wanted to write this book with my sister — also a chubby child — to help children understand the importance of a healthy diet and exercise throughout their lives”

Okay, can’t argue with that!

And even this excerpt gave me cause to celebrate!
“ But a friend advises Eddie: “Everybody has a different kind of body. What’s important is being healthy and in good shape.”

But sadly, as Mayor Koch discusses the book he becomes one more example of someone identifying with the aggressor and can not resist making the fat the enemy.

“What I hope they walk away with is that it’s possible to avoid being the subject of derision or being an outcast simply by leading a healthy life with a healthy diet.  It will cause you enormous pain if you let yourself get obese,” added Mr. Koch, whose childhood photos show him as a bit stocky, if not flat-out fat by today’s standards. “You’re not going to worry about it when you’re young, but if it continues, it can shorten your life. You want to have a family, you don’t want to leave them prematurely, and while it’s very unfair, many people in deciding who they’re going to hire will make a decision which includes weight.”

AARRGGHH!!

Okay, I admit, I’ve never been elected Mayor.  (Not even in virtual mayor games).  And I’ve never had a children’s book published. So who am I to find fault in his endeavors and points of view?  But it just didn’t sit right with me that he is saying that the way to discourage bullies is to lose the weight. And then when he talks about how the bullying may have shaped his persona…

“When I look back, it’s no joke,” Mr. Koch recalled the other day. “I think, ‘How did I get through that?’ It was tougher than settling a contract with the unions. And who knows what effect it has on your persona? It made me want to strive to be better than the other kids were. The other part of it was the tears. It makes your life miserable.”

Well if I was a bully and read this, I would think, “See, it did you good to be bullied! You became the frikkin’ Mayor of New York City for Goodness Sakes!  You should thank me for that!  The tears? Well man up Mayor!  Maybe I should get a percentage of the royalties from your book as well!  After all, I inspired you!  You’d be NOTHING without me you fat slob!

So I wrote a letter in response to the article and you can too if you’d like. Here’s mine:

I applaud Mayor Koch and his sister Pat for underscoring the importance of Health and Self Acceptance in this book. However, I am disappointed that Mayor Koch didn’t use his political sway to address the issue of why bullying fat kids is allowed?  It seems to me that an underlying message in this book is bullying fat kids can be awesome, look, I became mayor and I even transformed my traumatic youth into becoming a published author!

Let’s take the fat stigmatization away and just talk about being healthy.  And let’s write books and pass legislature that send a clear message that bullying and discriminating against our fat citizens is just WRONG.   http://www.c-spanvideo.org/program/SafeS

Warmly, Dr. Deah Schwartz, leftoverstogo.com

Today’s article in the New York Times, Catching Obesity From Friends May Not Be So Easy written by, Gina Kolata is a welcome read.

Ms Kolata’s article discusses the flaws in the research methodology and conclusions of the famous, “Obesity is Contagious Study,” by Doctors Nicholas Christakis, a social scientist at Harvard, and James Fowler, a social scientist at the University of California, San Diego.

One of the most controversial findings of the study sounded an alarm by cautioning the general public that, “…if contagion is real, it might also follow that people who are fat should stay away from fat people to control their weight.”

Of course one could take that further and propose that fat people stay away from ALL people or risk giving them the “Fat Cooties” and perhaps ultimately justify the removal of fat kids from their homes that was being discussed last month.

The arrogance and cavalier attitude expressed by Dr. Fowler when asked about the flaws in his study and the conclusions were mind boggling! His response:

“This is how science proceeds,” he said. “We came up with a fact that no one ever thought about before. We published our methods. We published our data. We said, ‘Look, we think this is important. You should help us figure out how to do this better.’ ”

How to do what better Doctor? Prove that fat people should be exiled to an island somewhere? I hear incidences of leprosy are down. Perhaps there is some real estate available? Alright, I’m a bit reactive, I apologize. But how about apologizing for the repercussions of the study? You know…the impact the findings that increased the negative stigmatization of fat people?  Not to mention how your study validated and encouraged our society’s irrational FEAR of FAT?

And while you are at it, how about a study concerning the effects of segregation of a segment of the country’s population based on fear and loathing?  Oh wait, I believe those studies are already underway in the fields of religion, ethnicity, and gender studies.

I recently had the pleasure of partaking in a teleconference with Darryl Roberts, the filmmaker behind America the Beautiful and upcoming sequel, America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments (A Look at our Unhealthy Obsession with Dieting and Other Weighty Matters).  The experience was stimulating for many reasons; the most notable perhaps, was the chance to talk with the other participants. The roster assembled by Jeanette De Patie, aka The Fat Chick, read like a “Who’s Who?” list in the world of size acceptance, Health at Every Size®, fat activism, and eating disorders*. I was thrilled to be included. The passion, dedication and determination expressed by the group were palpable as we listened to Mr. Roberts talk about his eye opening experience making his recent film. The more excited Darryl sounded, the more enthusiastic we became and by the end of the call we were in a bit of a frenzy…eager to get the word out about the movie and continue our work in promoting size diversity and challenging the discrimination perpetuated by the main stream media, diet industry, and pharmaceutical companies.

Roberts may have been preaching to the choir but he was hitting all of the right notes as he brought us along his path of discovery that included debunking the myths behind America’s “Thin Commandments” exploring the unhealthy obsession with dieting by the American people, and unveiling the discrepancies behind the rarely disputed message that in order to be healthy you have to be thin.  As Darryl continued to work on the film he found more and more evidence that despite the fact that health may come in a variety of sizes, BMI continues to hold an enormous amount of unsubstantiated clout as the barometer of health and definer of obesity.

You could practically hear the choruses of amen and hallelujahs from the people on the call each time Mr. Roberts presented another revelation he experienced during his research.  Here was someone who began his exploration into this arena without a bias towards our point of view and yet he was concurring with our most prized beliefs; one of which was the mainstream media’s role in defining the standards for beauty and how those homogeneous images contribute to body dissatisfaction among girls and women that often result in disordered eating and full blown eating disorders.

And just when I thought it couldn’t get any better, Darryl Roberts told us a story.

The issue of beauty was a main focus of his first film, America the Beautiful which was an Indie film production.  But, America the Beautiful 2 is being released nationally by Warner Brothers! From Indie to W.B.!  This is a leap that represents not only Mr. Roberts’ skill as a film maker but how ripe the American people are to hear his point of view.  And his point of view this time is going to be spread Hollywood Style!

But Hollywood is Hollywood and had to play its part in the “script.”

Darryl explained that when the P.R. campaign for the film was being discussed, Hollywood wanted the poster to be a photo of a thin, practically naked woman towel draped and standing on a scale.  Darryl explained why that image would be wrong for SO MANY REASONS and they were not budging.  But then he called on his “Ambassadors of Truth**” to write letters and explain why that image was completely inappropriate and incongruent with the message of the film and look out Goliath…THEY CHANGED THEIR MINDS!

I dropped the phone as I raised both arms up in a victory salute! I wasn’t on skype so I couldn’t see anyone else…but I don’t think I was the only one doing a little victory dance!!

Talk about fighting fire with fire! Hollywood is releasing a film that challenges what Hollywood says about what is beauty, who is beautiful, and points out the lies and myths about health, eating disorders, and obesity. It also exposes who has the most to gain (financially that is) from the beauty/health biz!  Brilliant!  So you can see this is quite the coup for Darryl Roberts and hopefully the size diversity, eating disorders prevention, and Health at Every Size movements as well!

The hour was just about up and the conversation was winding down but the energy was still growing. We agreed it was our duty to spread the word about this film and related events.

Now, bear in mind, I have not yet seen the film so I cannot fully attest that it will live up to all of my hopes and expectations but I have a sneaking suspicion that it will at least come close.  And many of you may not like the poster image that was ultimately selected, but compared to the one it replaced, I think it was an improvement! If you live in the San Francisco Bay Area, there is a director’s cut preview of the film being shown on August 13^th at the Sofitel Hotel near the San Francisco Airport.  It is showing the same weekend as the Association of Size Diversity and Health conference. Tickets are still available for both events. For those of you in other parts of the country, the film will be released in theaters and on video demand in October.

Here is an opportunity for all of us to be an “Ambassador of Truth.*” Learn about Health at Every Size® and don’t be afraid to voice a fact-based opposing view point that beauty and health come in all shapes and sizes. Educate and Illuminate!

We can be America the Dutiful!

 

*We didn’t do an official roll call but some of the teleconference participants were:  Deb Burgard-Body Positive, Deb Lemire-Queen Bee Productions, Peggy Elam-Pearlsong Press, Jennifer Berger-About Face. If I left anyone out I apologize!

**“Ambassadors of Truth” This is how Darryl Roberts refers to the folk who are challenging the popular, and in their opinion, false assertions about the negative correlations between obesity and health.  Some of these ambassadors are interviewed in the film, America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments (A Look at our Unhealthy Obsession with Dieting and Other Weighty Matters).

This post was originally published on the FFF website but I am resurrecting here for two reasons.  One, my son is getting ready to go back to college for his sophomore year which means many parents out there have kids leaving for their freshman year and may be starting to panic! Secondly, there was this MSNBC article about Health at Every Size that I NEEDED to share with EVERYONE and thought it just may help stave off the FEAR of the DREADED FRESHMAN FIFTEEN!!

Past:

Last August, I was one of many moms, dads, guardians, seeing their first kid off to college. For those of you that have not participated in this simultaneously liberating and wrenching ritual… it is fraught with mixed feelings of joyous relief and abject terror.  Never mind that many of us went through this rite of passage as students and survived quite well, thank you very much.  Those memories of our own accomplishment are buried deep inside the pentimento-like layers we’ve accumulated over the years of seeing our children do really stupid things.

I mean can you really trust your child to separate and individuate on a college campus when he just recently did his laundry (a miracle in and of itself) but washed his cell phone along with his jeans, sweatshirts and boxers??

How will he ever navigate the bookstore, the dining hall, the classes, the assignments without you there to guide him? Even if you have always prided yourself on NOT being a helicopter mom, this new transition trumps kindergarten, sleep away camp and high school combined.

And so last August, there was once again, an annual disruption in the force.  Maybe you felt it maybe you didn’t but if you tuned into the frequency it was like a tidal wave of collective longing, intertwined with a downpour of “I didn’t do enough” and rumbling thunderous roars of, “FREE AT LAST!!”

Future:

If the next three years fly by as rapidly as this first year did, I know I will not be alone in my amazement at the cruelty of time’s speed.  I will not be alone when I say, he never wrote, he never “cawled,” he never texted, skyped, or emailed me.  I will most certainly not be alone in mourning and accepting that my son and I will never live together in timeless symbiotic harmony again.  Even if after graduation he has to move in with me for awhile, it will be as a stop-over, NOT as my child, growing up. That is part of a healthy separation/individuation and I will not resist.

Present:

But that is the future…I want to talk about now.  It is almost June and there is another ritual about to take place around the country.  This rite of passage, however, I am consciously and purposefully removing myself from, resisting the societal peer pressure to join in, and hopefully convincing at least one other person NOT to drink the Kool Aid.

What should be a joyous time of reunion between college weary kids and kid starved adults is too often tainted by the adult’s obsession with the dreaded Freshman Fifteen.  This term refers to the weight gain that many first year college students experience and has been deemed so important of a phenomenon that according to Wikipedia it carries weight as far away as Australia and New Zealand where it is referred to as First Year Fatties, Fresher spread, or Fresher Five – the latter referring to a five kilogram gain).

Instead of kids returning home and being greeted with loving embraces and questions about classes, friends, and campus antics, they are being squeezed with caliper like hugs assessing newly acquired body fat and interrogated about their weight gain.

Who they are and what they have learned becomes secondary to judgments about their appearance and their character. After all, if they were better people they could and would have resisted eating the carbohydrate laden, fast food choices offered in university cafeterias. Not to mention the all you can eat dessert options and the beer, beer, beer, and more beer that students are programmed to believe are an integral part of the college experience.  Never mind that they passed all of their classes. Never mind that they were able to figure out the book store, make friends, get their laundry done without having to replace another cell phone.  None of that matters in the face of the dreaded weight gain!!!  The goals and worries we had just nine months ago, while proven to have been unwarranted, are left uncelebrated.  They have been replaced by the horror of FIFTEEN POUNDS!!!! AAARRGGHH!!!

Seriously, is this really what you want your reunion to be about?  I know that for many people they feel this is a health issue and if they don’t say anything they are not helping their child, but trust me…you aren’t helping if you are ignoring their triumphs.  This overt negative emphasis that bombards the returning soon- to- be- sophomores, brings with it the onset of ineffective, compensatory and self-punitive yo-yo dieting behaviors that will last long past their college years.  Their sense of self will be defined by the scale instead of their accomplishments and who they are will be assessed by their BMI not their GPA.

Is this really a course of study you want your kid to major in???